Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.

How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.

When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."

- Douglas Coupland

Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.

Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!

What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.

If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?

Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.

What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.

What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.

You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!

“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino

Say it ain’t snow.

Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.

I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain

Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.

What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.

Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.

I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.

“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”

Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.

Call me on the shellphone.

Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess

When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.