Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Go to BabaMail
