What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
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