The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
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