What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
You met all of my koala-fications
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
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