I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
I love you and I ain’t lion.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Some people have no guts."
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Your lab or my lab?
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
I couldn't chair less!
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
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