Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
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