“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
I followed my heart to you.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
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