Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
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