You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
I like you a latke!
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
When are you due back in heaven?
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
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