Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
I'm snow bored.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
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