When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
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