The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
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