“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
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