What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
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