If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
I could never Passover you.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
"Happy eggster."
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
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