Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!

I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.

Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!

How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.

What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.

I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?

Metaphors be with you.

What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.

I tried to catch the fog.

But I mist.

What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.

I'd run miles just to be with you.

What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda

You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.

What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.

Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey

What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.

Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.

My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.

What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.

The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.

Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.

How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.

What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.

The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.

What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.

Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Just like Evan, this match is also the cure

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.