I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Permission to board?
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
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