French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
You better beer-live it!
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
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