Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Readers do it by the book.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
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