What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Go to BabaMail
