After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
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