The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!

"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"

Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!

Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.

Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.

What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.

What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”

Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.

Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!

“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.

Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.

I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.

Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you

Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.

During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.

Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!

What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee

I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.

You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.

"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.

Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.

Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.

What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.

“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras

My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”

Wanna see my world cup in action?

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.

I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.

Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.

How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.

What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.

The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis

Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?