What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!

What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.

Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.

The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."

Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.

I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.

Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute

Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.

“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke

Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.

Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.

You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.

Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.

Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.

Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!

What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.

Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.

Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure

“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”

Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!

If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”

I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.

Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.

What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.

What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.

How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.

"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh

I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch

What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy