Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
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