If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Football is one habit I will never kick
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
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