Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
There’s snow one like you.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
You make my heart skip a beet.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
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