You must be a C major scale... All natural.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
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