I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"

How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy

What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.

“You’re my soul Santa.”

Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.

Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.

Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.

Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!

What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Glow!

Glow who?

Glow worm!

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp

Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.

Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.

What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!

Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”

What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.

What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Tex.

Tex who?

Tex two to tango.

What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”

Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!

“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault

The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.

Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.

What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.

What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.

“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer

A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.

Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.

These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.

Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.

"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now

What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.

Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.