Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
"It's wine o'clock."
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
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