Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
I love you berry much.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
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