Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
I like your tight end
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Go to BabaMail
