I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
You met all of my koala-fications
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
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