What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I cannoli be happy
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
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