I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
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