Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I came here looking for a little tail.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
How about you and I form a binary system?
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