My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
You had me at cello.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Paddy like a rockstar.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
I’m elf-taught.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
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