A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
when I’m with you.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
You’re my lucky charm.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
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