I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
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