What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Yoda one for me!
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
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