What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
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