The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I’m very frond of you.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
So … do you run here often?
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
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