Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
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