Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
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