A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Pirates Private Property.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
You had me at cello.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Go to BabaMail
