I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
"Eggs love you."
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
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