I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
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