"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
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