Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
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