What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Practice safe text: use commas.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
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