I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Eddie edited it.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Variety is the ice of life.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
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