How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Snow on and snow forth.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
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