What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
You’re right up my alley.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
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