I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
I’m soy
into you.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
You're just my cup of tea!
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
"Happy eggster."
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
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