My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
I like long runs on the beach.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
It’s party thyme.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
"Dying to have fun."
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Yule be sorry.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Your good seed for the day.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
I came here looking for a little tail.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Go to BabaMail
