Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
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