What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
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