How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
You’re my heartthrob.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I scored when I met you.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
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