What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
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