"Love is sharing your popcorn."

- Charles Schultz.

I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.

You’re my pot of gold.

I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.

An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.

"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Double bubble gum, bubbles double

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Windmills? I’m a huge fan!

Whatever coats your boat.

What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon

Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.

What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.

When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.

Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base

Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)

The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.

Your sweater must be made out of wife material.

Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.

I beg your garden?

What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.

Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.

You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.

What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.

Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!

Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.

“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.

Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.

My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.

Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”

My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.

What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.

I am looking for a leash-free relationship.

A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"

We have great chemis-tree.

I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.

Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.

Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?