“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
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