In Ireland, I call the shots.

What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)

I like long runs on the beach.

What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.

There's snow place like the mountains in winter.

What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”

How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy

"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner

What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain

I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."

Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.

A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.

What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.

"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."

My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.

Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.

Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.

What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U

How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!

If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.

You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?

I love your energy.

"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."

Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.

What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.

You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.

We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.

“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”

What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.

What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.

When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!

What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.

If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.

Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.