What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
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