Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
So how many cats do you have?
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
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