That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Pirates Private Property.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
"It's wine o'clock."
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
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