"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
You met all of my koala-fications
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Go to BabaMail
