When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Writers have great climaxes.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
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