Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
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