You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Shell-abrate the good times!
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
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