Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
You’re the queen of my heart.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
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