You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
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