An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
I could never Passover you.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
I think my heart just lagged.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
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