What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Time to celery-brate.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
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