What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
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