What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
You make miso happy.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
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