Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
He threw three free throws.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
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