A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.

Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!

So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.

"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce

What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.

What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.

Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.

I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.

In the eyes of the lawn.

What title did the car have in the Navy?

Rear window Admiral.

“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker

“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”

– Alexandra Guarnaschelli

I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!

Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.

Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.

An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.

On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers

When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"

An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.

I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.

Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.

What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris

What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.

What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected

Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.

Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.

Take a page from the book and leaf.

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.

“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown

What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.

Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!

What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.

“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown

Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!

Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.

What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF

There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.