Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!

I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.

"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets

What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.

Six slimy snails sailed silently.

Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.

What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!

I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.

Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!

One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.

What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.

When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".

I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.

What does a house wear?
Address.

What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses

What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.

"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."

Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.

Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.

What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear

Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.

Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.

What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.

Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha

My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?

Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.

What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.

Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.