How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
Sleigh, what?!
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
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