“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
"Love the wine you're with."
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
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