The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
I'm acorn-y person.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
I like your tight end
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
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