What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
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