What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
I wanna bob for your apples.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
"There's no bunny like you."
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
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