So, what do you turn into at midnight?
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Can I be Candide with you?
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
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