Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
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