Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
You’re my lucky charm.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
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