I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Irish I had better jokes.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
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