Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Go to BabaMail
