"That's all, yolks."
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
I like you, you croc my world.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
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