She has high elf-esteem.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
You’re my #1 pick.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
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